Monday, April 6, 2009

Religious Humor

The Old Goat.

A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied."Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?""Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Religious Humor

Pour It Into The River.

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Religious Humor

He Who Is Without Sin.

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked."This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded."Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head."Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

Religious Humor

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH.

--10 The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
--9 You think Abraham, Isaac and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
--8 You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
--7 Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.
--6 A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in Psalms.
--5 You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the concordance or the table of contents.
--4 Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
--3 You think the minor prophets worked in the quarries.
--2 You keep falling for it every time when pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the No. 1 sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

Non-Religious Humor

Four School Boys.

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

Non-Religious Humor

The Manager.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.""You must be an engineer," said the balloonist."I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?""Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."The man below responded, "You must be a manager.""I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?""Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Non-Religious Humor

First Day of College.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"