Monday, June 1, 2009
Religious Humor
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman. “The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?” “Yes, Father, `tis I.” “And who might be the woman you were with?” “I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?” “I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?” “I'll never tell.” “Was it Lisa O'Shanter?” “I'm sorry, but I'll not name her.” “Was it Cathy O'Dell?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Fiona Mallory, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.” Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" “Five more good leads!” says Tommy.
Religious Humor
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs. With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, “O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish -- make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!” At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the priest's feet: “Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive.”
Religious Humor
A Republican, a Libertarian, and a Democrat are seated separately in a restaurant when a poor man walks in; unbeknownst to any of them is Jesus.The Republican summons the waiter and asks him to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab; the waiter does so.The Libertarian asks the waiter to please serve the poor man iced tea and put it on his tab. The waiter does so.The Democrat then asks the waiter to bring the poor man pecan pie with ice cream and to put it on his tab.When Jesus is finished eating, he goes over to the Republican and says, “I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat. Thank you. I see you are blind.” He touches the man’s eye, and his blindness is healed. Jesus then goes over to the Libertarian and says, “I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink. Thank you. I see you have a bad arm.” He touches the man’s arm, and it is healed.Then Jesus walks over to the Democrat. The Democrat moves away from Jesus and exclaims, “Don’t touch me! I’m on a hundred percent disability.
Religious Humor
A Baptist Preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room, the Baptist Preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The Baptist Preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the Preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the Preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and varicious behavior; that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?” The Baptist Preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between a thief and a robber, and that’s how I want to go”.
Non-Religious Humor
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"The Engineer replies, "In the range of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Non-Religious Humor
Wham!
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Religious Humor
Mormon Hip-Hop Scene.
The Mormon hip-hop scene is a blast with the musical stylings of the
hardcore rap Group, “Bring uhm Young” – and their debut album,
“She puts the ‘ho’ back in wholesome.
MC Orrin, the front man of the group said the album’s sound is a
fusion of old school rap, Negro spirituals, speed metal, with
samplings from Yanni.
Mainly it’s bout keeping it real, MC Orrin explained, “Taking bout
growing up as a Mormon during the hard times of the Bush recession
of the early 90s when many Mormons had to work retail.
Indeed, the opening track hits right to the core of what it means to be
a follower of Lil’ Jo Jo Smith:
First Track: Sitting on my banna seat
Second Track: Cruising in old Salt Lake
Third Track: Slamming down ‘40s of caffeine free diet Pepsi
Four Track: I'm With my church youth outreach group
MC Orrin, Funky Daddy Wendell, and DJ Jazzy Ezekiel, whos not here
right now Because he’s on his two year mission to French Guyana…
Pimp Slappin ‘Mormon Style, Pimp Slappin ‘Mormon Style…
The Mormon hip-hop scene is a blast with the musical stylings of the
hardcore rap Group, “Bring uhm Young” – and their debut album,
“She puts the ‘ho’ back in wholesome.
MC Orrin, the front man of the group said the album’s sound is a
fusion of old school rap, Negro spirituals, speed metal, with
samplings from Yanni.
Mainly it’s bout keeping it real, MC Orrin explained, “Taking bout
growing up as a Mormon during the hard times of the Bush recession
of the early 90s when many Mormons had to work retail.
Indeed, the opening track hits right to the core of what it means to be
a follower of Lil’ Jo Jo Smith:
First Track: Sitting on my banna seat
Second Track: Cruising in old Salt Lake
Third Track: Slamming down ‘40s of caffeine free diet Pepsi
Four Track: I'm With my church youth outreach group
MC Orrin, Funky Daddy Wendell, and DJ Jazzy Ezekiel, whos not here
right now Because he’s on his two year mission to French Guyana…
Pimp Slappin ‘Mormon Style, Pimp Slappin ‘Mormon Style…
Religious Humor
Who Are Those Men?
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service". Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service". Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"
Religious Humor
Satan Visits The Church.
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Non-Religious Humor
Sarge.
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?""Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?""Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"
Non-Religious Humor
Bill, Hillary, and Gore.
Bill, Hillary and Vice President Gore were on their way back to Washington on Air Force One, when Bill said " I'd like to drop a $100 bill out of the plane and make one person very happy".Hillary thought for a moment then replied "I’d rather drop ten, $10 bills out and make ten people very happy".To which Vice President Gore said " I would drop a hundred $1 bills out and make a hundred people very happy".The pilot then spoke up and said " Why don't all three of you jump out and make 250 million people very happy?"
Bill, Hillary and Vice President Gore were on their way back to Washington on Air Force One, when Bill said " I'd like to drop a $100 bill out of the plane and make one person very happy".Hillary thought for a moment then replied "I’d rather drop ten, $10 bills out and make ten people very happy".To which Vice President Gore said " I would drop a hundred $1 bills out and make a hundred people very happy".The pilot then spoke up and said " Why don't all three of you jump out and make 250 million people very happy?"
Non-Religious Humor
I Put Him There To Dry.
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Monday, April 6, 2009
Religious Humor
The Old Goat.
A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied."Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?""Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied."Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?""Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Religious Humor
Pour It Into The River.
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Religious Humor
He Who Is Without Sin.
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked."This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded."Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head."Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked."This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded."Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head."Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
Religious Humor
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH.
--10 The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
--9 You think Abraham, Isaac and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
--8 You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
--7 Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.
--6 A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in Psalms.
--5 You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the concordance or the table of contents.
--4 Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
--3 You think the minor prophets worked in the quarries.
--2 You keep falling for it every time when pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the No. 1 sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
--10 The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
--9 You think Abraham, Isaac and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
--8 You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
--7 Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.
--6 A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in Psalms.
--5 You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the concordance or the table of contents.
--4 Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
--3 You think the minor prophets worked in the quarries.
--2 You keep falling for it every time when pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the No. 1 sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
Non-Religious Humor
Four School Boys.
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
Non-Religious Humor
The Manager.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.""You must be an engineer," said the balloonist."I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?""Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."The man below responded, "You must be a manager.""I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?""Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.""You must be an engineer," said the balloonist."I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?""Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."The man below responded, "You must be a manager.""I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?""Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Non-Religious Humor
First Day of College.
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
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