Monday, June 1, 2009

Religious Humor

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman. “The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?” “Yes, Father, `tis I.” “And who might be the woman you were with?” “I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?” “I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?” “I'll never tell.” “Was it Lisa O'Shanter?” “I'm sorry, but I'll not name her.” “Was it Cathy O'Dell?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Fiona Mallory, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.” Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" “Five more good leads!” says Tommy.

Religious Humor

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs. With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, “O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish -- make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!” At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the priest's feet: “Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive.”

Religious Humor

A Republican, a Libertarian, and a Democrat are seated separately in a restaurant when a poor man walks in; unbeknownst to any of them is Jesus.The Republican summons the waiter and asks him to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab; the waiter does so.The Libertarian asks the waiter to please serve the poor man iced tea and put it on his tab. The waiter does so.The Democrat then asks the waiter to bring the poor man pecan pie with ice cream and to put it on his tab.When Jesus is finished eating, he goes over to the Republican and says, “I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat. Thank you. I see you are blind.” He touches the man’s eye, and his blindness is healed. Jesus then goes over to the Libertarian and says, “I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink. Thank you. I see you have a bad arm.” He touches the man’s arm, and it is healed.Then Jesus walks over to the Democrat. The Democrat moves away from Jesus and exclaims, “Don’t touch me! I’m on a hundred percent disability.

Religious Humor

A Baptist Preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room, the Baptist Preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The Baptist Preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the Preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the Preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and varicious behavior; that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?” The Baptist Preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between a thief and a robber, and that’s how I want to go”.

Non-Religious Humor

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"The Engineer replies, "In the range of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Non-Religious Humor

Wham!

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.