Religious Humor

Three pastors were having lunch in a diner. One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything; noise, spray, cats, and nothing seems to scare them away. " Another said "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away. " The third said, " I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one
back since!"

Non-Religious Humor

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. Pardon me," she said, " I am sorry if my starring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time. " That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes. "she said, " As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother! It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Googbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can this be?" "he asked, " "I only purchased a few things!" The clerk
replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

Non-Religious Humor

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?" "Just go ahead and pay it."

Religious Humour

One day Abraham was busy installing Windows XP on his old PC. "But father, " said Issas, "you don't have enough memory to run Windows XP!" "Don't worry, my son," replied Abraham. "God himself will provide the RAM."

Religious Humor

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman. “The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?” “Yes, Father, `tis I.” “And who might be the woman you were with?” “I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?” “I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?” “I'll never tell.” “Was it Lisa O'Shanter?” “I'm sorry, but I'll not name her.” “Was it Cathy O'Dell?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Fiona Mallory, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.” Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" “Five more good leads!” says Tommy.

Religious Humor

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs. With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, “O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish -- make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!” At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the priest's feet: “Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive.”

Religious Humor

A Republican, a Libertarian, and a Democrat are seated separately in a restaurant when a poor man walks in; unbeknownst to any of them is Jesus.The Republican summons the waiter and asks him to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab; the waiter does so.The Libertarian asks the waiter to please serve the poor man iced tea and put it on his tab. The waiter does so.The Democrat then asks the waiter to bring the poor man pecan pie with ice cream and to put it on his tab.When Jesus is finished eating, he goes over to the Republican and says, “I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat. Thank you. I see you are blind.” He touches the man’s eye, and his blindness is healed. Jesus then goes over to the Libertarian and says, “I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink. Thank you. I see you have a bad arm.” He touches the man’s arm, and it is healed.Then Jesus walks over to the Democrat. The Democrat moves away from Jesus and exclaims, “Don’t touch me! I’m on a hundred percent disability.