Religious Humor

Three lutheran pastors were talking over lunch and before long found themselves discussing how much of the weekly donations was appropriate to keep and how much to give the Lord. The pastor says, "I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on both sides, and throw the money into the air... whatever lands on the right side of the line is God's and whatever lands on the left is mine." The second pastor notes that he uses a similiar method, but "I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine." They both contemplate each others answer and finally turn to the third pastor who is sitting there without saying anything. "Well, how do you do it?" asks the first to the third. "Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figured whatever the Lord wants, he'll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor."

Non-Religious Humor

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times, "the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me breakfast and told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, "the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once, "he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

Religious Humor

Three pastors were having lunch in a diner. One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything; noise, spray, cats, and nothing seems to scare them away. " Another said "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away. " The third said, " I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one
back since!"

Non-Religious Humor

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. Pardon me," she said, " I am sorry if my starring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time. " That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes. "she said, " As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother! It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Googbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can this be?" "he asked, " "I only purchased a few things!" The clerk
replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

Non-Religious Humor

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?" "Just go ahead and pay it."

Religious Humour

One day Abraham was busy installing Windows XP on his old PC. "But father, " said Issas, "you don't have enough memory to run Windows XP!" "Don't worry, my son," replied Abraham. "God himself will provide the RAM."

Religious Humor

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman. “The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?” “Yes, Father, `tis I.” “And who might be the woman you were with?” “I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?” “I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?” “I'll never tell.” “Was it Lisa O'Shanter?” “I'm sorry, but I'll not name her.” “Was it Cathy O'Dell?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Fiona Mallory, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.” Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" “Five more good leads!” says Tommy.